God's Love Language Part 2: Kindness
- Bob & Evy Smith
- 4 hours ago
- 4 min read
Love, the Bible tells us, "is patient and kind... it does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful." Kindness is woven so tightly into the definition of love that it's easy to skim past it. But if we slow down and look at what kindness actually asks of us, we find something far more demanding and far more rewarding than simple politeness.
Kindness, in the biblical sense, is a friendly, generous, considerate nature that reaches toward others even when they haven't earned it. Its opposite, unkindness, is harshness and inconsideration — and it has no place in a home built on God's design for love.
Breaking Down the Walls Against Kindness
Before we can build kindness into our relationships, we have to understand how God first broke down the walls of unkindness in us. Titus 3:3-6 doesn't flatter us. It describes who we were before grace: foolish, disobedient, led astray, "passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another." That's a hard mirror to look into. But the passage doesn't stop there — it turns immediately to "the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior," who saved us not because we earned it through righteous works, but because of His mercy, poured out richly through the Holy Spirit.
That's the pattern. God didn't wait for us to become kind before He was kind to us. And that's exactly the pattern marriage is meant to mirror: unconditional and sacrificial love. Unconditional love isn't a feeling that rises and falls with your spouse's mood — it's a commitment. You made vows on a specific day, and those vows don't get renegotiated every time your spouse has a bad day or says something sharp. When you've been wronged, real kindness requires compassion and forgiveness, not score-keeping.
Colossians 3:12-13 puts it plainly: "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive."
Here's a hard truth worth sitting with: no one deserves to have kindness withheld from them. Job 6:14 warns that "he who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty." And Romans 2:4 asks a piercing question — do we presume on the riches of God's kindness and patience, not realizing that His kindness is meant to lead us to repentance? If you've been withholding kindness from your spouse or your children, the first step isn't a strategy or a technique. It's repentance — a full 180-degree turn away from that sin, back onto the path of life and righteousness.
And kindness does have a reward. Proverbs 21:21 promises that "whoever pursues righteousness and kindness will find life, righteousness, and honor." That pursuit begins in your heart, and it shows up first in your home. When you rely on God continually — even in the hardest seasons — He promises wisdom. He'll give you ideas. He'll change circumstances you couldn't change on your own.
Building Relational Strength Through Kindness
Once the walls are down, what does kindness actually look like day to day? Think of it as a set of core qualities you can build into your relationship, one at a time.
Kill roadblocks with kindness. The old saying "kill 'em with kindness" holds real wisdom — you defeat resistance in a relationship not through force, but through repeated acts and words of kindness, which requires reining in your own impulses and trajectory.
Irresistible attraction grows out of kindness. When you meditate on and strategize around small acts or words that soften resistance, you create a pull toward connection instead of a push toward distance.
Nice — pleasant, polite, agreeable. Ask yourself honestly: does the vibe of your spirit create tension, or does it offer sweet solace and comfort?
Discreet — careful and circumspect in speech and action, so as not to cause needless offense. This one takes real vigilance; you have to stay on your toes.
Notice the other person's needs — physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Kindness pays attention before it acts.
Edifying speech — words that build up, that are uplifting and morally pure. This means letting go of cursing and negative language, and choosing words that leave the other person stronger than you found them.
Solicitous — showing genuine interest and concern for the other person's wellbeing. Express, in whatever way you can, that you want things to go well for them.
Sweet — pleasant, kind, thoughtful. Proverbs 16:24 captures it beautifully: "Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body."
So what does it actually take to develop this kind of kindness? It takes a commitment made out of love for your husband or wife — without that commitment, kindness stays a nice idea rather than a lived reality. It takes more than good intentions, too. Decide to start somewhere specific: identify the moments when you tend to be harsh or thoughtless, and target those first. And it takes leaning on the Holy Spirit, because kindness is one of the fruits of the Spirit — love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control. These fruits aren't independent of each other; they're co-dependent. You can see, for instance, how goodness is essential for kindness to take root at all.
Breaking Down the Roadblocks to Kindness
Real change starts small. Change the life-long attitudes that work against kindness by adding just one quality this week — be more generous with your time, your money, your thoughtfulness. Consider others more worthy than yourself, and start treating people better than they deserve, the same way God has treated you.
And above all, see God's purpose for kindness in everything. As Sinclair Ferguson put it, you don't need to be important, wealthy, well-educated, brilliant, famous, or eloquent to help point people to the Lord Jesus. All you need is to be kind to them with the loving kindness of Jesus. Being kind is how love works — the Holy Spirit takes care of the rest.
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